Update on the "Summer Blow Out" With Dad

Last week was my daughter's birthday and lo and behold we received a gift from my parents for her. They have made no attempt to contact Steve nor me but they somehow found it appropriate to send my dtr. a gift. As much as we would love a reconciliation, this was not going to work. Now, I know this sounds like a sweet attempt on their part.....but we sent it back with a letter written by my husband. Before you go and think that was such a horrible thing we did, read the following and I think you will understand. Let me add, that I am so proud of my husband....he is truly my hero.

Ted,

Yesterday we received your gift for Mollie. Thank you, it was very thoughtful.

However, at this time we cannot accept it. At the beach house you expressed numerous times that you did not want to continue a relationship with my wife. Since then there has been no contact, I am assuming that this still holds true.

As Thea’s husband and Mollie’s father a resolution needs to take place before any relationship is resumed with any member of my family. Circumventing parental relationships in order to maintain a grandchild’s relationship is not acceptable.

In order for a reconciliation to take place, several things need to happen:

1) An apology for your behavior at the beach house to my wife and my daughter Mollie who witnessed your outburst.

2) An acknowledgement that your anger is, and has been, a destructive problem.

3) An agreement that an attempt will be made not to use your temper with or against any of my family in the future.

4) An agreement to respect my choices in how I lead my family in regards to parenting, education, number of children and religion. I am not asking you to agree or like my decisions, just respect them. If you have any concerns regarding any of these areas, I would prefer you go through me to discuss them as opposed to making comments to / through the children and family gossip. We will abide by this in regards to your life choices as well.

Sincerely,

Steve

In case I haven't already said this, I love that Steve sent the above letter. My Dad responded with this letter:

Steve,

Thanks for the letter that arrived yesterday. It helped explain why you sent Mollie's present back.

Frankly, I don't have much interest in getting into an endless exchange of recriminations over the subject of your letter, so I won't. Other than to deny what I'm being accused of.

Per your request, I won't make any efforts to contact you or your family except an occasional birthday card. It seems cruel to use the relationship between me and my grandchildren to accomplish your objectives, but hey, you're holding the cards.

On the chance that you haven't got it in for Leslie (my step-mother) as much as you have it in for me, I haven't told her what you have done. She's still nourishing the thought that Mollie got her present. She bought it, and wrapped it. All I did was sign the card and mail it. If you want to clarify your attitude toward Leslie, You will have to tell her yourself. I didn't have the heart to tell her what you had done.

Ted


Isn't it neat that he is now playing the victim? I guess I "had it in for him" when I was four and I "forced" him to shove food down my throat because I was not eating fast enough. How utterly insensitive I was. Let's not forget how cruel I was when I made him punch me. And now we "have it in" for him and Leslie. I guess we do "have it in for him" if we are protecting our children due to his past behavior with me. Please. He acts as if I started this whole thing. If you read my account of this horrid event on the post "The Last Goodbye", you will read how it all occurred. Amazing.

Then to top it off, my older brother called me out of the blue after not having contacted me for over 11 years. He's kind of a "floater". He had heard of the conflict between our family and my Dad. He then began to encourage me in what we had done and recounted all the physical abuse my Dad had wrought on him. I'm tell'n ya, I got off easy. His stories were heartbreaking. How I wish I could have been there to protect him as a little boy. He definitely got the brunt of it. I still can't believe my Dad refuses to acknowledge the abuse. There is no way he could have forgotten, but he is willing to re-write history and lose his grandchildren just to save face. It truly amazes me. Can someone really forget this stuff? I'm trying to wrap my head around this possibility. I know my brother and I are not making it up....my Mother was a witness to part of it. And the main reason why my Mother divorced my Dad was because of his horrendous temper and threats. It is obvious to me that my Dad is willing to lose a lot over this. I just don't get it....I really just don't get it.

All that being said, I still have no regrets....but I do have true grief over it all. How I wish my Dad could just get "real" about all that has happened. I would love him more for this..but he doesn't see this. Accountability for one's actions can be so painful....but in the end it has tremendous rewards.

To all of you who have true heroes for Daddy's, ....please count your blessings and carry on this legacy to the next generation. Your children, and the entire world will be blessed by this. And for those, who did not have heroes for Dads.....well, Jesus can fill that void....I know, He did for me and has blessed our current family and my marriage with a hero that my children will never forget.......my husband.

Stepping In It Again.....

This morning my family and I were invited to a church by our family babysitter and dear friend, Marli. She was going to do a dance performance, which I have to say, was expressive and emotional enough to bring me to tears. She is Psalms with feet...

Anyway it was a good service with a sermon that spoke volumes on loving when we don't feel like it and being committed to this way of thinking....as Jesus was. He broke bread, his last meal, with someone who would betray him to his death, he broke bread with someone who would deny his name three times and he washed their feet with unending love for them. That's love......when you do it when others don't deserve it and expecting nothing in return.

The service ended, and I was relieved as we did not put our sweet young things in the childcare and they proved to be a challenge during the service. We walked out to the lobby where people were chatting and a nice young man walked up to our family and introduced himself as Ryan. My husband and he started to converse and it inevitably came around to finding what each other did professionally. Ryan stated he was the owner of a software company and Steve asked what the name of it was. Ryan just stood there.......pause, pause....even a longer pause. It was obvious that he had heard Steve's question but seemed to not remember his own company's name. So finally, Ryan spits it out. Thinking this was weird, and kind of funny, I say "Geesh ! It took you THAT LONG to remember your own company's name?!" All of you that know me well, know that I am capable of just being straight forward but with an endearing smile on my face.....but nonetheless tactless. Ryan then looks at me and says "Oh, I have a s-s-stuttering problem and sometimes the easiest things refuse to come out."

Crap. Crap........and C-C-C-RAP!!!!!!

Steve, at this point, is giving me a look of utter disgust mixed with a look of absolute mortification. And for some reason when he is disgusted or horrified with me, it just makes me want to laugh....like a pee my pants kind of laugh. I'm in a bad spot now with little self control in a church that just preached on love and grace. Both of which was not present in the mounting giggle about to catapult out of me. So to prevent Steve from actually considering the thought of divorce I say something lame like "Man, Ryan....um, I'm s-s-s-s-orry!" I stuttered because I was embarrassed and trying not to break out in a social suicide like laughter and certainly not in the attempt to make the situation worse. Socially, there was no hope for me with Ryan so I quickly excused myself to go talk to Marli purely for damage control reasons. A look of pure relief came over Steve's face.

When we reconvened to finally leave, Steve says, " A stuttering problem?? Holy cow Thea, could you be any more tacky???" Let me stop right here and give you some insight with Steve and I. First of all, he is still in his learning curve, after 14 yrs. of marriage, regarding what he really got himself into when he married me. Also, the two most frequent questions he asks me in all sincerity are:

1) Are you normal?
2) You didn't really just (do / say) that did you??!!

But I know deep down inside that he loves this about me. I am the social canary in the coal mine to him....because I say / do what he would love to and I live to tell about it. I think he is dumbfounded that we still have any friends at all.

Well, how does anyone end a story like this? ....except just to say that we all lived happily ever after, I survived to tell about it and we will never go to that church again.

Cutting Bangs.......in the Wind

It's 1:30am and I can't sleep because I took a 3 hr. nap this afternoon....and my pregnant body loved it. My lame excuse for a dog is sleeping next to me on the couch snoring like a large fat man with apnea. Every once in awhile, he'll start to "sleep yelp" and I can only imagine that he's finally grown the cajones in his slumber to chase after the bully dog next door.

As I sit here, I can feel my baby jump inside me. I can't wait to meet this little one....to hold him/her. We've decided to name this sweet addition Jesse if it's a boy and Jesi if it's a girl. I have no feeling whatsoever what gender this child is. I am always wrong and always surprised. I love not knowing. It always amazes me to hear other people comment on how they know what this child is going to be by the way I am carrying it, or the way my skin looks...or even how moody I am. What I do know, is that this child will be a gift that I don't deserve but am willing to accept any day.

I had someone comment on my blog address of "never cut bangs in the wind". You know there's a story behind this right? Of course, I'm full of them. Annie, my third oldest, was about five years old. Her bangs were out of control and I took the shortcut.....not pun intended. At eight months pregnant, I didn't feel like hauling her upstairs, pulling out the sheet and taking the time to meticulously trim her sweet bangs. Instead, I took her outside onto our back porch with scissors in hand. That way, any hair that dropped, I could just sweep off into oblivion. The minor detail that affected this location was the fact that the wind was probably blowing at about 10-15 mph. Hey man, they're just bangs!! So I put my hand on the top of her head to keep her and her bangs still......snip, snip, snip. There. That ought to about do it. I lift my hand off her head........crap. I try to go back and correct the unattractive and unintended slope (ok, several slopes) to her bangs. Lifting my hand again, I realize what I have created is irreversible and worthy of being reported to the CPS. Poor little Annie is searching for some reassurance in my eyes or expression that tells her she still looks beautiful. She comes up empty. I tell her to "wait right there" as I run to go get Steve. I knew I was going to catch some flack for this one and just wanted to get it over with. "Hey Steve?........um, you might want to come look at Annie. I think I really messed up." He comes down stairs and out to the porch. His lack of words and emotionless stare are what started me giggling...because, well, there was just nothing else I could do. He starts to say something to me in regards to how irresponsible I am but I am lost, gone and swept away by a laughter that has hijacked me. I am now laughing so hard, I can't see through my tears and am struggling to breath. In order to get the breath I need with my swollen belly, I literally have to go down on all fours. By this time, Annie is horrified. She starts to cry and I have no way to comfort her because.....well, let's just say it, I'm a DORK. I pull myself together enough to try to reassure her that she looks fine and that hair does grow. She's not buying any of it and neither is Steve. He takes her by the hand and leads her off curtly saying that he's taking her to SuperCuts to get it fixed. Right. Good Luck. She didn't even have enough bangs left to fix. When they come back, she looked like a mini version of the Dumb and Dumber character played by Jim Carrey AND she was not happy. All I could say to Annie was "Well sweetheart, now you can see!" My approval rating as a Mom hit an all time low with Annie. But, like I said, hair grows back and so, eventually, did her love for me. And hence, my journal entry that night was: Note to self: Never cut bangs in the wind.

Do Not Leave Me Unattended......

My husband will back up these words with his life. I have been known to do things that normal people don't do when left alone.....or maybe I am just honest about it. A couple of days ago, I had one of those days where I had plenty to do..but I just had this unsettled bored feeling. I would walk around the house staring out the windows, thumb through old magazines..pluck my eyebrows...you get the idea. Anyway, after the children were down, I plopped my pregnant butt in front of my computer and began to peruse YouTube. Below I have provided the sites I stumbled across and found note worthy.

Please note that I realize the loss of respect you will have for me after you look at them and my comments..........oh well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAVdyHbSQYg&feature=related

Holy Crap. Can you imagine your life as a Siamese twin?? Here are a couple of phrases that would be..well, useless:

"Let's meet back here at........"

"Get out of my face."

"I just need some 'me' time."

"Last one back is the rotten egg."

"That's it, I'm leaving"

"It's your turn to walk the dog."

"You're really getting under my skin."

Here's a couple of games that you would not be able to play with each other:

Hide-n-go-seek

Marco Polo

Freeze tag

Leap Frog

I think I would be delinquent and dishonest if I didn't mention this one last thought......if they choose to, how is marriage going to work out for them and all the facets of it? Will they marry one man or two? I mean, the whole procreation aspect of it.... I am having a hard time wrapping my head around all the options!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56mwnCNNiT0&feature=related
Ok........this is just gross.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i__XhXf9rPI&feature=related
This is how I feel when I feel like I've spent the whole day yelling at my children.


That's enough for now.

It's Been Awhile....

Hey man. I know, it's been awhile...but I just didn't know how to top that last post!!

What I last wrote about has been on my mind everyday since. I have been expecting to feel really bad about the whole situation, but I don't. In fact, I feel like a new person. I feel I have shed a skin that I didn't know needed shedding. I keep expecting to hit a wall, but every day I keep feeling better and better.

I knew that at some point the issue of my parents and them spending extended time with my children would eventually come up and it wouldn't be comfortable. But I kept putting it off thinking "How can I live without my family?" And now that it has happened, I am wondering "How did I ever live with them?"

I am free. I just can't get over it! Who would have known and event so awful could have resulted in feeling so good? I feel like a nut job! The truth is out and I don't have to pretend things are perfect anymore. I love this! What euphoric peace.

As it stands now, I have no intention nor motivation to contact my Dad or StepMom. I would rather have no relationship with them than the one we had. And if we ever do have a relationship again, the requirement will be that it has to be better than having no relationship at all...which will have to include an acknowledgement of the past, an apology and a verbalized promise and effort, on their part, not to spill their poison out on our family.

My husband went on a business trip all the way across the country right in the town where my parents and grandparents live. Imagine that. He took the time to go to my grandparents place unannounced. It turns out they are very angry at me. They too, can't believe my Dad's temper is as bad as I have proclaimed.....and if it was, they are claiming I probably deserved it since I was such a difficult child. This part I can't understand. I got good grades, went to church on my own, was involved in several sports, never drank, never did drugs and never was in trouble with the law. My nose was clean. They told my husband I wasn't as easy as my half sister who, by the way, did drink, party, sneak out, smoke and do drugs. However, I will say, she did make some pretty awesome grades. I'm not quite getting where they conclude I was this awful child....maybe to rationalize why things happened but still keep peace?

It also came out that they, my grandparents along with my parents, do not like that we have so many children...and why were we having more? It always amazes me how people take our family planning so personally. Tell me, what is it that they feel they have a stake in? Like we are having children just to piss them off? How are they being affected and why are they the ones getting so emotional about it? Now, if I were having each child by a different man, on drugs, on welfare and my children's needs were not being met, I can begin to see why they would be upset. But this isn't even close to what is happening.....so not even close. I am in a loving, protective marriage and not once have we ever asked for any financial assistance. The children are well cared for and happy.....so, remind me, what's the problem again?

They began to attack our homeschooling and how it can't be possible that I could homeschool them all successfully. Do you know there are parents that would pay big bucks to have the student to teacher ratio that is available in our home of 8:1 ? Personally, I can't see how a teacher can have a student to teacher ratio of 25:1 and teach productively. I think we have a pretty sweet set up! In our state, we are required that by the age of seven, we have to test them every year by some approved standardized test. All of our children who have been tested, have tested at grade level, and in many areas, above grade level. So......remind me, what's the problem again?

We aren't following the family rules and we have spoken the truth. On our part, there has been no screaming, threatening nor name calling. The fall out of all of this has been tremendous and intriguing. The gnashing of teeth that is going on in that neck of woods while we stand idly and calmly by is like watching pirhannas fight over a cheeseburger. Pretty soon all they are going to have is themselves to feed on.

With everything out in the open, although it's odd, I don't even feel that angry anymore. In fact, I feel more compassion for my estranged family than I ever have. When I pray, I feel my prayers are more heartfelt and not laced with anger. I feel that my marriage has grown stronger as a result as well. With Steve going to my grandparent's place, he drew a line in the sand as far as our family's values and goals were concerned. He did not demand agreement from them, but a mutual respect that has not ever been shown to our family. My husband and I are a team and a force that can not be divided. Steve made this very clear and I love him for this as he is such a soft spoken man most of the time. He is my hero and my champion.

Well,...that's enough for now. I'll be back soon, I promise.

The Last Goodbye....

Fathers. Some are heroic. Some are loving and kind. Some are full of wisdom. Some are negligent. Some are hurtful in every sense of the word. Some are selfish. AND some are all of the above, at different points in time, which makes them very complicated. I am speaking of my Father. Crap. I don't even know how to write what has happened....my heart still aches, but I have not even an ounce of regret.

On a recent family vacation (that included my step Mother, my Father, sister and husband and my Grandparents), my hand was forced to confront, once again, with a past that I felt I had dealt with. But this time it wasn't for my sake, it was for my children's.

To give a Cliff note's version of my past, it included lots of verbal and mental abuse with a touch of physical abuse that was not frequent, but when it happened, it was violently terrifying. Most of it occurred at the hands of my Father and some of it by my step Mother. I loved my Father, but my heart for him was lost long ago. His temper and bully-like tactics had me more scared than anything else. What's strange, is that my desire to please the man never seemed to leave. (By the way, what is the deal with this? It's like it's an urge so primal there's no satiating it. I have to chalk this up to a misguided and misplaced urge that is really intended for my Lord and Saviour.) My step Mother, well....although she was in my life since the age of six, she never had my heart and so it seemed that anything she did or said didn't have much of an impact on me....it was just part of the deal. What made things so confusing for me, is that in the midst of the wrongness of what was going on, my Dad would throw in some unexpected kindness, generosity and maybe a little token affection leading me to think that things were not, and had not been, so bad. This remained confusing until I sought counseling AND I had children. These two things cleared up a lot for me.

For the last couple of years, my Father and step-Mother (SM) were pressing me to let my eldest three come visit them in AZ. My Dad also really wanted to take my 11 yr. old son on a week long train trip. I kept putting them off due to my own lack of courage in telling them the real reasons of why I wouldn't even trust them with my vacuum cleaner. I used the excuse that I was just an overprotective parent to which I was told that I just needed to "get over it".

You know, there are a lot of people who love dangerous animals and love to be with them. However, the wise ones, realize the inherent risks of being on their territory. This was me with my Father. I love my Father and have always hoped for some type of working relationship with him. I didn't mind being in the shark cage. I was ok with the risks of being hurt.......but my children. Having them ask me to let them visit them was like asking me to put my clueless children in the water with the sharks without a cage. Although I want to be close to my Father, I could not use my children as chum.

Finally, on a recent trip to AZ alone, my Dad confronted me and wanted to know why I was so hesitant in letting my son Sam travel with him. With my heart in my throat, I told him the truth and said that I was concerned about his temper and that I was afraid that it would affect Sam. My Dad got real quiet and seemed on the verge of crying. We talked further and I felt, that for the first time, my Dad and I had had a meeting of the minds and, though it was not said, he would try harder in the future, not to blow up at my children. I am ashamed to say that I allowed this to happen on occasion when we would get together for our family beach vacations. It is obvious that my Dad's shelf life of tolerance for my children is short...so I just couldn't understand or fathom his desire to want them for longer periods of time. It just was not going to happen.

So now I will fast forward four months to our most recent family beach vacation. Things were going fine.... well , just ok. My eldest came to me and said that his Grandpa, my Dad, had told him, after some impromptu verbal math game (I saw it as a disguised "test"), that "your Mom is not homeschooling you well enough." Upon hearing this, I was angry. I don't go on these family vacations to have my children tested and critiqued. If my Dad had a problem with the way I was educating my children, he needed to have the cajones to come and tell me himself as opposed to telling my child. This was unacceptable. I asked my Dad to talk with me outside on the porch and I asked him about the comment. He denied it and said he just called him a "homeschooler" after Sam not having been able to understand the rules of his "math game".

Then, before anything else could be discussed, he said he had a bone to pick with me as well. The expression on his face flew me back to childhood at mach speed...this was going to be more than a conversation...he was going to blow. I felt like that animal that could sense when a storm was coming when there seems to be no evidence. I felt my emotions crawl underground for cover and a switch turn off. I am a 40 yr. old woman and I still felt my stomach turn to knots and the strong urge to empty my bowels. He went on to say that he was insulted and offended that I did not trust him, unsupervised, with my children. I corrected him and told him that he was more than welcome to take them on errands and little day trips but that multi-day visits would not be allowed until I knew he could control his temper around them. So far, he has not been able to do this. He looked me square in the eye and told me he had not wanted to come on this beach vacation at all and that my SM had to "beg" him to come. Then with venom, he told me he wanted to end our relationship. I then told him I understood his hurt and that I would be hurt too to have a child admit they didn't implicitly trust me with their children. Then, knowing, but not intending, that my next words would seal my fate I said, "Yes Dad, I don't blame you for feeling hurt but you know what? Your feelings don't trump my children's safety. And until I know that you will not blow up at my children anymore, I don't feel comfortable letting them be around you for long periods of time."

I had just pulled the pin out of the grenade.

He stood up and was going to storm off inside the house, but before he did, he turned to me and self righteously stated that he had never hurt me or any of my children and he didn't understand why I felt the way I did. What?! Was he on crack?! Now, this was a scenario I hadn't even prepared for in all my mental playouts of how this might come down. I expected more that he might say I was overreacting or blowing things out of proportion. It was beyond me how he could forget or deny stuffing pieces of hot dog down my throat in anger at the tender age of four, how he cold cocked me for getting a bad grade and sent me flying off a bar stool hitting my head on the ground.....and even how my SM had to physically put her body in between my Dad and my body so that he could not attack me....again out of raging anger. I could not let his statement go and with a raised voice I said, "You don't remember punching me? You don't remember leaping at me in anger to hurt me?" At this he raised his hands and sarcastically said "I guess I'm just an awful man.!" and stormed back into the house. I was stunned. I sat there staring at the ocean and then went downstairs to my room where my husband, Steve, was. I cried. My emotions had come back out for air and my switch was on. Steve was confused as it is rare that I cry. What had just happened? I explained what had transpired and asked what were we to do now? Were we to stay and stick the rest of the vacation out or were we to pack up and leave? Steve suggested we stay...but I still felt like a flight risk. I wasn't sure how this was all going to play out. As a compromise, Steve suggested we take just our children and go out to lunch and for a drive to let things settle.

We returned and Steve took the children who were not napping out to play in the waves. I decided I would finish up some laundry when I heard my Father call me out to the porch to talk.

Round two.

And again, I went into safety mode and needing to poop. I know, way too much info. but I think it's kind of funny. I have so digressed. So...when I am outside, my Dad tells me that my accusations of abuse are not true in anyway shape or form. I firmly say that I am telling the truth. He then wants to know when and how it all happened and as I start to recount an incident he loses it and starts to yell inches from my face that I am a "big fat liar" and that I am just concocting this story to punish him. For what? He storms inside again into the family room ranting and raving that I am crazy and I am a liar. This all happens in front of my Grandparents (my SM's parents), my SM and, unbeknownst to me, my eldest daughter. I come into the family room ready to take him on...I feel emotionless and calm but ready for the showdown. At this point, I must inform you that my Dad is a criminal defense attorney and starts to "cross examine" me by yelling questions at me. He wanted to know why I waited 25 yrs. to bring up the abuse and why I didn't tell other members of the family. He wanted to know why, if he was such a horrible man, why I didn't protect my younger half sister. He found it convenient that all my accounts of abuse occurred while others were not around. (Isn't that how abuse usually occurs..out of every one's sight?) He then asks my SM whether she remembers any abuse and she emphatically says no. I am helpless. I try to make her remember the time she had to throw herself on me to prevent my Dad from throwing punches at me. She still denies it and tells me I am being absurd and that I just need to "let it go". Holy crap, I can't believe this. She can't remember either? Have I gone completely mad? My Dad then goes over to my 90 yr.old Grandmother and demands that he tell her if I ever told her about any abuse and she denies it as well. I used to go to her house everyday after school. I do remember trying to tell her, pleading to her for help, about the situation at home, but she couldn't hear it and tried to get me to see my fault in the conflict. I love her dearly and desperately, she's loved me out of so much pain, but I gave up trying to get help from her.....she wanted peace in the family too much to really hear me.

Oh dear Jesus, help me. I knew I was telling the truth but all I could do was hang my head and repeat that I was not lying. I was stripped of any defense, sarcastic comebacks, tears or proof. I have nothing and realize I can not change any body's mind. My Dad is still out of control yelling that I am a "big fat liar" and that he was happy that our relationship was ending so that I couldn't accuse him falsely of other things. Mockingly and sarcastically he asks me when I plan to accuse him of sexual abuse since I was enjoying playing the victim so much. He then asks me for a list of people that I have told because he wants to write an article to circulate telling them I'm a "big fat liar". Can you guess yet what the word of the day is yet? 10 pts. and a trip to Disneyland if you guessed "big fat liar".

Here's the really weird part. My Dad pretty much says he can't remember hurting me but he can remember hurting and beating my older brother. So his logic was that since he can't remember anything with me, I must be lying since he can remember the abuse of my brother. Then my Dad's sarcasm goes into gear again and he demands to know if my SM ever abused me since I seem to be pulling out tales of abuse like rabbits out my butt. I tell him that I do remember her kicking me once but other than that, I can't recall too much. So then, my SM pipes up and says "Oh you have it all wrong, I hit you a lot especially in the face! So you can remember your Father's abuse but not mine?" insinuating I couldn't be telling the truth since I am unable to remember all that she did to me.

Ok, so let's get this straight.

The main reason for me for even being in this conflict was to protect my children by not letting them stay long periods of time with my Dad. They don't believe my accounts of abuse at my Father's hands but they have just admitted to abusing a child. Can this get any more weird? Are they actually trying to convince me they are safe people with their twisted logic????

It was at about this point that I realized something. I didn't care whether they believed me or not...I mean, what was my main goal anyway in this whole nightmarish conflict? It was to keep my children safe..and I was in the process of ensuring this. Sure I was frustrated as Hell that no one believed me, but in the end, it really didn't matter. This wasn't about me. All that mattered was that my children were safe and that the Lord knew I was telling the truth.

Mission accomplished.

And when I realized this, I held my head up and said in a voice that sounded like I had a great idea and probably had lost my mind at the same time, "You know what? I am.... ok with this, I think I am really ok with things ending like this. I don't think there is anything else that needs to be discussed." And I walked away downstairs to pack my family up and wait for Steve to come back with the kids. I have to admit that the adrenalin that had been running through me had left my pregnant body weak and shaky but I felt free in a way I never had before. This was an event that needed to happen and I had been dreading this for years as well as feeling shame that I didn't have the courage to do it earlier. Every time my Father would lose his patience with the children, my shame as a parent would grow as I stood by doing nothing. Now I knew this would never happen again and I felt empowered. With the Lord's healing and his strength I was able to protect my children the way that I always knew I needed to.

As I collected some of our things in the kitchen, my Grandmother was there trying to get me to stay by saying she thought that I was handling this all in the wrong way and that we could all work this out. Ahh.....the ultimate peacemaker. I am sure her heart was breaking. I gently put my hand on her and said "That's too bad. But this needs to happen."

As I was putting the last child in the van, I saw my husband conversing with my Grandmother only to learn later that she was asking him why I was so intent on tearing the family apart by bringing up the past and taking all the grandchildren away. And how could I leave my Father like this after all that he had done for me like paying for my education? Yes, I am the troublemaker. Then my SM says to me that she's only seen my Father cry three times since she has known him and today was one of those times. I am sure that the intent of this information was for me to feel so bad that I'd run in and say sorry for all the horrible lies I told. Nope. No deal. I'm stick'n to my story. Again, my Father's feelings will never trump my children's safety.

So we left....and I cried all the way home. I cried most of the next morning. What had I lost? I felt betrayed and alone. Would I ever see these people again? How do I handle any attempt on their part at a reconciliation should they try? Do I even want a reconciliation? But one look at my children is all it takes to realize the loss isn't as big as the gain......my children's security and the knowledge that the Lord has given me the strength to be truly free.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God my Savior
Has ransomed me
And like a flood
His mercy rains
Unending Love
Amazing Grace

Words an lyrics by Chris Tomlin of Amazing Grace

Blogger's Block??

Finger tips, finger tips
What to write

I don't know 'cause
all my ideas bite......

Umm...no, not good. How 'bout this.

Finger tips, finger tips
what to say

Don't have a clue 'cause
all my ideas are gay.

Crap. No good either.

Oh well, I guess I'll just write what's on my heart.

My family and I were at the pool the other day. I was wading at the edge of the pool supervising Jamie, Rachel and Daniel splashing away like puppies. They adore the water and it brings me such joy to watch them be so carefree.

Whenever I am in a huge throng of people, I like to survey all of them. I usually pick one or two that pique my interest and I check up on them every once in awhile either because their behaviors intrigue me or they are just plain weird looking. I treat them like visual blogs during my stay. This particular day, only one family caught my eye. I saw them out in the deeper water, a mother and, what seemed to be, her four year old son. The mother, a young blond woman with her hair up in a pony tail, was completely and lovingly absorbed in her son whom she was cradling in her arms while going up and down gently in the water. The aspect that kept my gaze, was the amount of time this child was letting her do this without squirming or yelling out in joy. Any active, normal 3 to 4 yr. old boy would have been holding on for dear life or ready to jump out of her arms. But this boy acted like a new born in the way he rested in his mom's grasp. He had every characteristic of a healthy boy...no contorted face, nor twisted limbs and no jerky telltale movements that would indicate otherwise. But as time passed, I realized this child was special needs and his Mom's gentle care made this more clear. The Mother was so beautiful in the way she was soaked up in her son. The face she had was a face you might see on someone getting a good back rub. I could tell in their world, no one else was at the pool that day...just the two of them. As she exited the water, it also came to my attention that she was heavily pregnant with another child.....which, of course, only added to her beauty. She then joined two other children, (one younger brother and a much older sister) and her husband who took the child from her arms, kissed him, and gently placed him in a stroller. He stood over his son for awhile just talking to him in a cooing and adoring manner. Could this family become any more beautiful to me?

I felt a strong urge to talk to this woman. She went back into the water with her younger son and sat herself down in the shallow part. I walked over to her vicinity with my little ones and gauged whether she was approachable or not. You can tell if someone has no desire to have contact when they avoid eye contact at all costs. This woman had a kind smile, which I took as a good sign, and I asked when she was due to which she responded in several months. With my growing belly, she asked the same and the conversation was then started. We spoke of children, the number we had, the ages and names. I mentioned my own joys and struggles of having my fourth. I then took a risk and told her I had noticed that her son was special needs and how I had enjoyed watching them have a good time in the water. (Let me preface the rest of this account by saying that I can not tell you how many times the Lord has put it on my heart the desire to talk to certain individuals never knowing why. But inevitably, I end up being blessed by these very people the Lord puts in my path. When listening to this woman talk, I knew I was supposed to be exactly where I was.)
She nodded her head and said, "Yes, he is special needs. You know,.... he was born completely normal. But at 18 mos. he contracted a viral form of spinal meningitis, and because he was so young and his immune system was so immature, the virus settled in his brain permanently."

My heart went out to her. I felt tears secretly well up that would never surface. I imagined what it must have been like to have a vibrant 18 mos. old that could walk, say a few words and give big juicy kisses...only to have it all stolen away in days unexpectedly and horrendously. But I knew she had more to say so I remained silent and nodded my head.

She continued, "We have been told that we don't have very much time left with him, as the virus is just going to get worse....maybe 1 to 4 years. It's been 2.5 years already, and we just don't know. For a long time, we didn't want to leave the house fearing something would happen and then we realized it was going to happen whether we waited for it or whether we continued to enjoy him and live our life. Many people have even questioned our having more children.....but this little boy has made us not be afraid of life but want to thirst after it. He has been a blessing, why wouldn't we want more?"

Preach on sister.

I knew there was something special about the way she was swimming around in the water with her son. I was watching someone who knew time was limited with the little life in her arms. The scene now had added meaning now that I knew the circumstances. The way the father gently placed his son, with a kiss, back in the stroller with words of comfort now meant more. Here was a family yearning for the blessing of more time and taking advantage of every second. I need to learn from this.

I have met people in situations like this before. I rarely feel sorry for them but a sense of awe and curiosity at the way they handle it. There have been circumstances in my life that I would not wish on anyone else nor would I want to experience them again....but I can tell you, that I am so grateful I had the experience of going through it. Many times, such as the one I am portraying, these people feel the same way about their terminal circumstances. They wouldn't want anyone else to go through it, they wouldn't want to go through themselves again, but they feel absolutely blessed to have learned what they have and to have renewed perspectives and priorities.

At the risk of sounding completely nuts, I have to admit not only a sense of awe of people in terminal situations but a sense of jealousy as well. Just hang with me here. I don't want the circumstances they are in by any means. When people are in these situations they are thrust at the feet of Christ and have the opportunity to experience his mercy, grace and comfort on a level that can't be attained without that type of circumstance. I am jealous of the opportunity not the pain and loss imposed by the circumstance. They also have an opportunity to witness this opportunity to the world and their lives can scream out His love and hope in all circumstances....and you know what? People will listen.....they inherently know the need to.

Tell me. If you were put in front of two people one dying of brain cancer and the other having no competing struggles........would you not listen more closely to, and examine the life of, the terminal patient in the quest of drawing out some kind of wisdom or perspective he has gained though their trials? You do this because you know that this person has had the opportunity to experience God at a much deeper level because of his circumstance. I am not saying all people with terminal circumstances choose to experience the Lord in this way.....some just give up thinking they were cursed. Others, the ones I am talking about, use it to be blessed and to bless others beyond belief. They are powerful.

Now, I don't know if this family at the pool knew that they blessed and inspired me. I highly doubt it. I wish I had the chance to tell them. I will pray for this opportunity and for them. But walking away from the pool that day I looked at my children differently. We all have limited time with them and the people we love....we just don't know the time frame God has chosen. This family just happened to know their time frame with a little more certainty. My desire is to treat my family like that woman treated her child in the pool......with total adoration and with a sense that time is precious and limited. I want to live life like it's terminal but with the joy of knowing it's eternal.

About two weeks ago, our family returned from a wonderful trip that contained two family reunions. One of the family reunions was held in Belle Rive, Ill at a tiny church in the country near my Uncle's farm. Our family stayed at his house. My children ran around like wild Indians and had a blast jerking corn, teasing cows, riding motorcycles, playing in barns and being free. I ached when I saw how happy my children were with all the space they had to do what they pleased. We need land. My desire was ignited again for the millionth time...well actually, it has never gone out. Because of circumstances beyond our control, we have ended up in a very anal retentive subdivision with snooty people who worship their dogs beyond all understanding. I'm thinking dog taste like chicken and should be shot if their vet bill exceeds $500..... and they are thinking FiFi is evolved enough to inherit their estate. Completely different planes of thinking going on here. It's not where I ever envisioned my family growing up.

We have tried numerous times to get out of our current house to no avail. For starters, the market really stinks. Also, it was a monumental feat to get a house ready for a showing with eight children running around.....five of those precious children being six years old and younger. My older children are a wonderful help, but the stress a showing would put our family under, at a moment's notice, was insane, leading me to be awful to everyone around me...so not worth it. But I still want land in the worst way. Truly, I have physically ached over this. We did not mean to end up at our current residence. I know that sounds crazy but it is half way true.

We did have a contract out on a gorgeous house with 20acres of fenced pasture. We sold our house and were about to close on our dream land/house when the guy didn't show to closing saying he needed one more week. We waited one more week only to have him not show again and then try to back out of the deal. We were legally going to fry his gentle parts over an open flame when the Holy Spirit led us to do a background check on the seller. Turns out the guy was into drugs and tons of debt. We thought best of it and had to find another place to buy immediately as we had no home. As it played out, this discernment saved our lives. Three months later it was reported that our "dream home/land" blew up and took two days to put out. Most likely a meth lab......truly, I couldn't write a crazier story than this...but it is 100% true. Fast forward to our current residence. It was vacant at the time, a rental option to buy and in a nice, well sought after golf community. We thought we would fix it up and sell it two years later not knowing the housing market would crash. I feel bad for my children being holed up in this house. The house is nice, but we have no playing room outside, and the covenants are so strict that even our trampoline was reported. I feel so caged here. I don't care if I go to a double wide......we just need more land. We are trapped until we can sell this house. I can't tell you the financial schemes I would think up and present to my husband, just so we could get out of our house. When the country "Nigeria" came up in one of my financial schemes, he put his foot down. No, I never mentioned Nigeria, silly, I am just trying to get the point across that I was really desperate.

Sometimes, I get the feeling that the Lord is going to keep me here until I find contentment where I am. I have no choice at this point....we can't go anywhere now. My eleven year old came up to me today and admitted he liked living here. He had no idea what a comfort that was to me....knowing that he was not "suffering". It makes my chuckle when I realize that the hardships I imagine my children are having......aren't even a blip on the "hardship" radar.

My dream was to have a homestead with a horse, a dairy cow, some goats and chickens. Along with my children, I wanted to learn to work hard with my hands and be proud and thankful for what we could produce. I wanted to have a garden and be able to sit at the table and ask for the salad that was freshly picked. I wanted to learn how to can veggies and fruits, make cheese and learn to live off the grid. I wanted to learn how to self sustain and teach my children these skills as I think they are so important. Oh.......I still ache to do these things. Why does the Lord want us here, now? I know, poor me....waah, waah. But I can not deny it is my heart's desire.

Above are some pictures of my Uncle's farm that brought my ache back into rare form.

Did We Plan on Having a Large Family?

A lot of people have asked me in the past whether we had started out wanting a large family. Absolutely not. In fact, before marriage, I wasn't even sure I wanted children at all. I didn't even think I liked children. But as I have come full circle, I realize that I have always liked children, I just didn't like them when they were rude, disobedient and down right awful which seems to be a prevailing and increasing problem with a lot of little ones today. Anyway, I digress. I was also scared to have a child. I wasn't raised in the most loving home, and at times, it was even violent. Unfortunately, I felt I would grow up to be violent with any children I might have......I just remember how mean I was to my dog and that convinced me I was not fit to ever have children if I couldn't treat a dog well. Again, I have realized the dog probably had ADHD and an IQ of -20. This alone would have probably made the best of us want to go postal. Plus I was only ten when I reached this conclusion....a mere child myself. Nevermind that I had a zoo of other pets that I took care of well. The memory of me hating my dog stuck with me as a warning. Another factor was that my Mom left at the very early age of four. So, if I wasn't afraid I was going to be a violent parent, surely I feared I would leave my children much like my Mother chose to do. In short, I was afraid I would not be a good parent if I didn't like children and could harm them in anyway. I just wasn't one of these preschool-like teacher types that flocked toward children like gravity to the ground. I wasn't like that at all. I was self centered, emotionally injured and short sighted.

After I became a believer and a lover of Jesus Christ something was healed in me and freed. I began to change. I softened. I met Steve and I loved him like there was no tomorrow. He is such a healing salve to me. For the first time in my life, I wanted a child. I believed God would make this all work. Although we had agreed to have one or two children, we never agreed to when would be a good time. I had decided that I would wait at least two years before I would even mention the topic of starting a family. Two years came and went and Steve never mentioned once about wanting to start a family. And when I brought it up, I could tell it wasn't something he felt comfortable with. This broke my heart and eventually became an issue. I was 27 and he was 32. Financially, we were set. We had our own home and we both had very good jobs. What were we waiting for? I just didn't get it. Did he even want to have a baby with me? My impatience and immaturity led me to do something I will rue the rest of my life. Secretly, I went off my birth control to get pregnant. After two weeks, I couldn't keep it from Steve and I confessed and asked profusely for his forgiveness. This affected the trust between us for a long time. There have been times even in the recent past that he has brought up how much this hurt him and our marriage. Finally, when I turned 28 he agreed we could try for a baby. On the first time we conceived. During the pregnancy, Steve made several attempts to say he only wanted one child. I agreed, because at the time I was spending about 50% of my time with my head in the toilet with no end in sight. I was miserable. I just didn't know if I could go through it again. But by the 6th month, all was well and I had a wonderful pregnancy that ended in the birth of an incredible baby boy named Sam. I held him for the first time and it was magical. He was our son. He was a gift and I just can not even begin to explain the strength of emotion for fear of cheapening it. All I knew was that I was not done and that I would hang my head in a toilet for a thousand years if it meant it would bring life to our family. But poor Steve was pretty hooked on the one kid thing and I was no where near him in thought on this.

By the time Sam was seven months old and many, many conversations later, Steve again agreed that we could try for our last child and that was going to be it. We tried again, and on the first try, we were pregnant again. After finding out our baby would be a girl, I gave away all of Sam's baby boy clothes knowing that we were done since we now had the perfect American family, a boy and a girl. Once our daughter Mollie was born, I expected to feel done. But even on the hospital bed after delivering her, the ache in my heart, to let more children come to our family, told me that we were not done..... even though that was the agreement between Steve and I. This is when I started to question whether I was mentally sane. What was it with me and wanting more children? Why was the ache almost unbearable? Was this from the Lord or did I have some psychological problem? Why wouldn't this desire let me go? How was it that other women knew, with out a doubt, when they were done? Would I ever feel done? The thought of not letting more children enter our family felt as if I were leaving a family I loved dearly behind, names I would never get to say, hearts and souls I'd never get to know, little warm bodies I'd never get to rock, foreheads and cheeks I'd never get to touch with my maternally hungry lips. I knew these were my children, but I felt as if I would never ever get the chance to love them. Steve did not feel the same way.

When Mollie was still three to four months old, I tread carefully and approached Steve about having more children. He was shocked and angered and claimed that I was breaking our agreement to only have two. I realize Mollie was still such a small infant, and it may have gone better had I waited. But there was an urgency I could not explain. Crushed by his response, I went for a long walk out in the winter cold. I wailed out to the Lord and begged him to take this desire for a larger family from me if it wasn't from Him. I wanted to be done with and free of the painful yearning and the feelings of loss I was going to inevitably incur with Steve's stance. I prayed that if my desire was not from Him, to please take it away and give me a sense of contentment and peace...but that if my desire was from Him, to change Steve's heart. And this is what my heart heard...,"Child of mine, do you not know you will be the Mother of many? Trust me...wait upon me." The chills I felt were not from the cold but from the very fact that these words were not mine....they couldn't be because I didn't believe it. My husband wouldn't even consider a third and was angrily adamant about this. Regardless, I walked on with sense of warmth and peace....but not patience.

Several months later, I began volunteering at a Crisis Pregnancy Center as a counselor. I was amazed at what I had been allowed and privileged to do with these newly pregnant and / or scared women who the Lord led to me. Lives were at stake and the Lord used me to help some of these women avoid aborting their precious children. Many times between appointments, I would go to the library the center made available to the women, and I would peruse the titles. One caught my eye and the title was "Letting God Plan Your Family" by Sam Owen. This intrigued me so I sat down for a good read. On this day, the Lord relieved me of my self-loathing and self-condemnation for wanting more children. It spoke to my heart and I realized I was not mentally unstable or crazy. What I realized also was that it wasn't that I wanted a butt load of kids.....I wanted the Lord to be in control of this whole area in my marriage with Steve. If it meant a butt load of kids.....that's what I wanted. If it meant no more kids....that's what I wanted. I just wanted it to be what the Lord wanted. It all made sense. I felt giddy and couldn't wait to share my new insights with Steve. I don't think there was ever anything I felt more sure of in my life. I knew the Lord just wanted us to trust Him. Every cell of my body knew this was right and I knew that Steve would easily agree because this was from the Lord. The truth was so obvious. Scripture backed it up how could he argue against scripture?

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I told him excitedly of my new insights and about the book I was reading. And as I continued to talk, his eyes got real big like. I think he really wanted, and was ready, to wrap me up in a tight, restrictive blanket and transport me to the nearest mental facility. He honestly thought I had totally lost it. I begged him to read the book to which he agreed. I knew that after he read it, that would be it. We would be on the same page.

Nope.

There was no way he was going to "risk" having an endless amount of children. To him, this was irresponsibility at its worst. We were miles apart on this issue and would remain so through several more children. But after each child, he grew closer to letting the Lord take control as he realized that each child didn't kill him and that he actually ended up enjoying them. But he still struggled. He was not open to getting a vasectomy due to the physical ramifications (www.dontfixit.org) and I was not open to doing anything to prevent pregnancy. This issue was a thorn in our marriage. It was not smooth sailing by any means. My impatience and attitude were unGodly at best. I just never seemed to understand what Steve's issue was with letting the Lord control this part of our lives. It seemed so simply right to me. It was a no-brainer. Steve would continue to go back and forth on this issue many times. There were times we would go to a Christian counselor just to get their opinion on it. Most of them would just stare at us really not knowing how to handle the situation at all because they had never looked into it scripturally. The times Steve did feel a peace about it, we would have a child. The times he wouldn't, well.......we would have yet another child. Every time we would have a baby, Steve would proclaim that this would be our last child. I would grieve and prepare my spirit to not have more children and then the time would eventually come where we would have to talk about it because I was once again fertile. Each time, I would tell Steve that I would agree to anything he wanted to do if he would promise me one thing. He had to promise me that whatever decision he made that it would be made prayerfully and not be a decision based on fear because fear is never from the Lord. If he truly felt the Lord was leading him to do something permanent, then I would follow him.....full well knowing the Lord would never ask Steve to do anything of the sort.

Finally, after our eighth child, I was becoming fertile once again....and again the discussions ensued about what was to be done. I was so tired of this, and half of me just wanted him to just go get broken (I will never call it "fixed"). After our eight, I was more ready than I had ever been to close my womb. Not because I was tired of having children, but I was just weary of going back and forth with Steve all the time. I wanted to be on the same page as him and wanted him to be happy. I wanted peace. But when the fertility conversation came up, I could not leave my stance. Even if I was ready to stop having children, I was not ready to stop trusting the Lord. And I felt that doing something permanent, or anything at all for that matter, to prevent a child of God....was compromising my faith in HIM and I just couldn't do it. Steve was frustrated with me and I with him. Finally, one early morning, Steve approached me and finally stated that he knew I had been right all along about trusting God in this area. This was the area that scared him the most and he realized that his faith would not deepen if he couldn't trust the Lord with this particular fear. There were several things that brought him to this point. No, it wasn't my skillful arguments at all....that probably hurt more than it helped. It was watching a family very close to us decide that they wanted to be more faithful to the Lord. And the way they wanted to show this was the have the husband's vasectomy reversed. Where the wife, my precious friend, did not want more children, she and her husband now are hopefully awaiting the time when a new life will be woven in her womb. Steve was amazed and moved by their faith as he respected this family immensely. The other influence that changed Steve's heart was the ministry of Voddie Baucham @ www.voddiebaucham.org This man is amazing and is also responsible for Steve's eagerness to have a ninth child and to possibly adopt in the future. I highly encourage you to listen to his wonderful sermons. You will not walk away empty. I also encourage the reading of "The Way Home" by Mary Pride. If it does not convince you to trust the Lord in the area of family size, spacing and rearing, it will at least challenge your perspective of Christian Womanhood.

Now, I realize this isn't the romantic version of how our large family came into being. We weren't the couple that just knew from the get go that family planning was meant to be in the Lord's domain. We both had pasts we had to fight with to overcome our fears. I will not lie, it was a struggle. But I believe that this was the path the Lord let us take to grow. And there are even times that Steve reverts back to his fear of "What am I doing?" I often wonder if Noah did not, every once in awhile, freak out while building the ark. I mean did he ever second guess God on why he was building this huge monstrosity in the middle of the desert??!!! Did it ever not make sense to him when he had never heard of rain? Did Noah ever wonder if he had just plain lost his marbles while people mocked him and questioned his reasons for following God? I think at times both Steve and I both feel this way as the Lord builds our family to a size that is just not seen these days....ark size. But we are snapped back quickly to the fact the we know it would have been a travesty to have limited our family to just the one or two Steve originally thought he wanted. He has now met, and is meeting, the family I thought I would never meet, and grieved over, when he would refuse to put our family planning in the Lord's hands. And now he understands the ache I felt because he can not imagine having lost out on the chance to say each and every one of our children's names, the hearts and souls he almost missed out on getting to know, the little warm bodies he almost never got to tickle and the foreheads and cheeks that would have never met his paternally loving lips. He truly gets it.

As I felt that Steve was lacking faith in being open to a large family......my biggest regret is that I lacked it too. My willfulness and lack of submission was caused by my lack of faith in what the Lord promised me on that cold, wintry night when I walked out of our home so upset and broken. His promise came true, but because I didn't have faith in His promise, I made things a lot harder than they had to be and injured our marriage in the process. I thank the Lord everyday that my lack of faith did not null and void God's promise to us that night. Our marriage is healing because it is supernatural and God is in control. I can't tell you the feelings I have when I see Steve well up with tears of pride and thankfulness that we have the family we do. I love to see him get protective when someone questions our reasons for having a large family. I pray the wake that we leave and the reasons we give are a testimony to God's provision, grace and mercy and that people are pulled into wanting to know more about trusting our Lord and Saviour. Where there was once fear there is strength, resolve and conviction. We are finally on the same page and I am loving it and know this is where the Lord wants us to be........with all our children and with complete faith in HIM. There is no doubt about it, we have been so blessed.

Mother In Law

We came home from a two week road trip on Mon nite. In our last few hours of driving home we got a phone call from my Father in Law saying that his Steve's Mom had passed out and was now at an urgent care center getting checked out. She was having severe lower abdominal pain and very dehydrated.

As it turns out, she ends up being transported to the hospital via ambulance. Once there they decide she needs surgery. What they found was appendicitis AND a blocked intestine. The end of the infected appendix had actually wrapped itself around the small intestine so that nothing could pass. Crazy. I am glad they found it, repaired it and the nothing more sever happened. This could have been a deal breaker life-wise. She is healing well and should be home by this Sunday.

Now, you know I can never leave a serious situation without some one taking a hit....unfortunately this comes at my MIL's expense. I am the first one she sees when she comes out of surgery. I hold her hand and ask how she is and she replies in a raspy voice that she is so thirsty and that her lips are dry. She's not allowed to drink but I do go hunting around her purse for some chapstick to give her some relief but I can't find any. I then go to my purse and dig out my Burt's Bees lip balm....that has a healthy red tint to it....rhubarb to be exact. Anyway, she wants to apply it herself as she is fiercely independent. Fine. But keep in mind, this is a woman who has recently been anesthetized so she is the equivalent of a drunk that has the blood alcohol level of a million. I then painfully watch her apply (smear) it onto her lips (half her face). Someone really should have arrested me at this point because I did nothing but stare on in horror...and then eventually with absolute entertainment. The end product was a mix of Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker and a clown with a very bad sense of eyesight. I did not have the heart to say anything, and everyone else acted as if all was well.....which actually cracked me up even more....the pure denial. I wanted to stay around longer, but I just couldn't take it anymore without inappropriately bursting out in laughter.

Here's a little update:

My MIL called from the hospital today and asked for me. I thought she was calling to tell me they moved her to another room. But when she spoke I could tell something was really wrong. I thought she was healing well from her surgery to remove her appendix and a blockage in here intestine. What they told her this morning was that the blockage was caused by a cancerous mass. She has cancer.


This was the MIL that hated me for the longest time....and truth be told, I wasn't crazy about her either. She was really mean. Anyway, two months ago, I decided to pull my head out of my butt and realize that she would never change and that if things were going to change it would have to be me. I started to take her out to lunch and do things with her. I knew she may try to sabotage my efforts but I was ready not to get insulted but to forge on trying anyway. I figured that at some point we would have to take her into our home when she got older....I could make this easier or difficult. If I made things better between us now, or at least tried, then having her here might be a lot easier on everyone involved. Does that make sense?

It turned out that my efforts were the magic bullet. Her heart towards me seems to have changed. Because of my pride, I hated biting the bullet to do this, but I now see the Lord's hand in all of this. My MIL now knows with out a doubt that my efforts towards her are not of charity due to her illness, but of a sincere heart to want to forge a relationship with her, as my efforts surfaced before her illness and not in response to it.

This morning, she paid me the highest compliment she ever could have without even knowing it. I was the first person she told, besides her husband, that she had cancer. She didn't even ask to speak to my husband, her favorite son. I am humbled, I am grateful and my loyalty to her has increased 100-fold.

I am not really sure how serious to take this whole cancer thing, and my Mother in Law has made it very clear that no matter what the oncologist has to say, she will not do any treatment. Oddly enough, I don't blame her. As radical as this sounds, I have to question whether there aren't other means to treating cancer other than chemotherapy and radiation. I also have to question the true efficacy of this approach. I have seen the ravages of chemo and radiation and I have seen people die from the treatment rather than the cancer they were so afraid of. I have also heard cases of stage four cancer completely reversed by nutritional protocol. This is definitely the route I would take first if I were diagnosed with cancer AND I would research the crap out of every alternative treatment I could find. And sadly enough, there are times where it's just our time to go and there is no fighting it. When one realizes this at the appropriate time (tell me how one goes about figuring this one out.) it can be the biggest blessing of all allowing one to enjoy the rest of life without being tortured by ineffective treatments.

Lord, I just pray you hold my Mother In Law in your arms and that she allows herself to feel you. Let her heart be open to you and the comfort you have to offer. Please allow me the privilege of being there for her. Heal her if that is your will. If not, let her life end without pain and suffering and with overflowing peace.

My posse and me

Here is a picture of my crew. I have had comments on how happy all of us look. Let me give you a little back ground on this picture. Rachel, the one in my lap, is NOT happy. Seconds before, she took a tumble backwards from the highest point of the rock on which we are sitting and found out that gravity sucks. Mollie, the second one from the front holding Baby Jamie, is about to pass out due to the odor of the horrific crap in Jamie's diaper. Mollie is NOT happy. The two boys in the back, Luke and Daniel (the smaller one), seconds before, were spanked and chastised (fine, call the CPS) for whipping each other senseless with slender tree branches. They are NOT happy. I am 7 weeks pregnant in this picture and wanting to puke on the children in front of me. I am NOT happy and the children in front of me are about to become even unhappier. The only children who are truly and sincerely happy are the three children behind me, Timothy, Annie and Sam (the bigger one). The moral of this picture is.......never believe what you see.

Trying Again to be a Blogger

It's been almost eight months months since I have posted anything to this blog. It intimidates me and I just have to get over it. I guess I just have so much to write about and I am an all or nothing chic. If I can't write it all now...what's the point. But maybe if I share little by little, I'll get it all out of the way and I can feel like I am starting to create a legacy with what I have to say.

I am pregnant again....our ninth, I can't believe it! There are many days I am not sure why the Good Lord has chosen to bless me like this. Does He know who he has chosen...sometimes I think He has it all wrong and that there must be some kind of mistake. But then I remind myself that He, my ultimate Comforter and Counselor, never makes mistakes.

A friend of mine, in her blog, termed it well with her beautiful way of writing:

Realization that if these children grow up to be anyone or anything even a little bit decent it will not be because of anything I have done. There are days when I fear I am messing things up so badly that I don't even begin to pretend to know what the Lord saw in me to give me these children to raise.....So....I pray. I pray for wisdom as we journey down this parenting road, that our children will not only survive but thrive despite our setbacks as parents. I cannot help but be reminded of the verse in Is. 54, "And all of your children shall be taught of the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children"

---Nikki B.


The pregnancy is going well and we have a strong heartbeat. I am currently 10 weeks and pukey.....temporary. The other children are beyond ecstatic about this baby. I think this is so cool as Steve has limited capacity to show excitement for my pregnancies at all. Don't get me wrong, he loves all our children. In fact, he even admitted he was excited to have another baby and has total peace about this new little life being woven in me. It's just that he just doesn't seem to get the whole miracle that pregnancy is....it's frustrating at times. I'll put his hand on my belly when a baby kicks so he can feel it and the boredom that seems to appear on his face is disheartening at best. To be more candid this makes me sad. This is a time in my life (my pregnancies) that I feel like a tool of God. I feel His hand of protection and strength on me most when I am pregnant. To think He even thought me worthy enough to be a part of the creation of His beloved children. Now, if I can muster up the courage and energy to do a decent job of raising them. Sometimes all I can do is lay at His feet and give up and let Him do it. Isn't that what we're supposed to do anyway? It's just takes me a little while longer to get to this place due to my willfulness and pride.

I have yet to tell my parents. There are not a whole lot of people in my family that see our additions as blessings. The way they react, or refuse to react, each time we tell them of a pregnancy, you would think I went out and had a baby with a different man each time and then went home to shoot crack. We have never asked anyone for financial help and we are very careful not to let our children be "burdens" in any way, shape or form to others. I am so proud of my family.....I just don't get it when others look down on my family as if we are second rate or just plain wrong in how we've chosen to go about building our family. The plain fact is that Steve and I have chosen unashamedly to trust our Lord and Savior for the spacing and size of our family. We go every week to hear sermons on how we need to lay everything at Christ's feet....why not our fertility? If he is the creator of Life.....how can new life be bad and need to be prevented? If the Lord says children are blessings, when we as a society see them as not blessings, do they stop being blessings in the Lord's eyes? I want to live this life with the Lord's priorities. If the Lord says children are a blessing, then they are blessings to Steve and I and we do not want to prevent them. He is the author and we want Him to write our book and provide the characters.

We've heard all the arguments:

What about your health? I am still strong and healthy. In fact I am healthier now than I was before having children. The reason is because I know I need to be healthy for my pregnancies and for the children I already have. So it is because of my children that I am healthy and remain so.
What about money to raise them and for college? Before Steve and I had children, we were horrible with our money...I mean really bad. After we had children, all of a sudden, we realized that we needed to make wiser decisions regarding our money so Steve trained for another line of work that was more profitable and started his own financial company and we started making wiser decisions with the money that was made. Again, like my health, it was because of our children that we have more money and make better decisions with it.
As for college...I think it is way overrated and a major player in the fleecing of America. The only way Steve and I will put forth a cent for any higher education is if a child comes to us with a passion and a vision for what they want to do. If it requires them to get a higher degree or certification, we will be there financially for them. But we will not put forth money just for them to go sow their oats. I went to a four year institution without any vision or passion only to learn how to lose my virginity (which I really did want to save until marriage), drink a lot, party and basically waste my parent's money and my time. It was fun, I will readily admit...but I could have learned and / or prevented all of this while making money at a job while at the same time, figuring out what I really wanted to do with my life. There is more than one way to get a great education other than spending 100's of thousands of dollars to walk away from an institution without vision and with a degree you most likely will never use. There are trade schools, apprenticeships, starting your own business and advancing in a job. One thing I will put money forth for is traveling to different countries for mission work. There is nothing like seeing that other souls don't have what you have and aren't as blessed.....and to be able to help them is good for the soul. It tatoos a different perspective on what the world is really like and how one can make a difference. We would put money forth for a child starting a business he / she really believed in and was well researched. To be frank, having money in hand for college, in order for it to be ok to have another child, is something I am not concerned about in the least. There are many other options that are feasible.....I know, my husband provides beautifully for our family and he never set foot inside a college institution.
What about providing all the children the attention they need?
Well, I don't know how to argue this one other than my eight children aren't complaining and they seem really well adjusted. They know we love them and whatever they lost in parental attention they have gained in sibling attention. Shortly after I had my fourth child, I truly wondered if I was hurting my other children by having more. I felt so guilty and overwhelmed. I couldn't read to them all the time or spend the amount of individual attention I once was able to. I called my pastor's wife who was raised with seven other siblings and asked her if she enjoyed growing up in a large family to which she replied that she had loved it. Then I asked her if her Mom or Dad was able to spend individual time with each of them by reading and playing games with them. She was silent and then increduously asked "Are you kidding me? We had no time for them because we were busy playing with each other!" And then I asked her how she knew her parents loved her if they did not individually show them. And her response freed me. She said she knew they loved her by the way they spoke to her, the tone they used and the expressions on their face of endearment and love. In short, attitude and a loving heart. This could all be done from an armchair if need be...while nursing and changing a baby, while cooking in the kitchen....oh, how this perspective freed me.
What about ME time?
Ummm.....am I only me when I am without children? The fact is, being of Mother of eight, and soon to be nine, IS ME. And I have found that the more ME time I get, (recreational time without children) the more selfish I get and the more ME time does not satisfy me and the more ME time I think I need. Yes, I do get down time, but surely it is not necessary in order for me to be all I can be. This is my calling, I have accepted it, I revel in it, I prayed for it and it challenges me at all levels. I am not the person I used to be when I did not have children, Thank the Good Lord for this. My children, my family have made me a better me.......more than any ME time could ever do.
What about your marriage and the stress a big family causes?
Ok, here goes explaining the weird economy of having a large family again. Our marriage is strong....but only because we have had to work together as a team to raise our children. Without our large family, this strength would not have evolved.
What about overpopulation?
Look. I know families that have two kids to which I would ask that question......only because their children are completely awful lost beings that are heading nowhere except to ruin their own and other people's lives. There definitely is an overpopulation of really evil people but there are never enough good, God-loving and servant hearted people. And God willing, that is what will come out of our family, people who are willing to minister to the lost and awful people I mentioned above. We are trying with the Lord's help to produce spiritual assets, not liabilities.
Since you're good parents, you should be the ones having children.
I love this one. Ok, so let's fly with this logic. Only good, well adjusted people should have children. If we were to make this statement law......I would have never been born. Hence, I would have never been the good parent to have these children. Who are we to judge who should and should not have children? There are countless people who have come from horrible circumstances only to minister to others because of their compassion and understanding of pain and hardship. And, on the other hand, there are many who have been born to "ideal" families only to bring heartache and chaos to the people around them. No matter the circumstance that brings a child to life (premarital sex, rape, incest, love) that life is still authored by God and still a blessing. I am not condoning sinful acts of hatred and violence, I am welcoming and believing in the goodness of life. Hate the act...not the child. God works all things to His good for those that love him.....and maybe out of all these perverted, evil and injurious acts.....God works his blessing into it to provide a child for healing and hope.

Well, there's my soapbox. I have never heard of anyone regretting having children or deciding to have more. But I can not tell you the amount of times I have heard people with their regrets of not having more. And I believe in living a life without regrets. I do not want to miss one blessing God has to offer. When people ask me how I do it having all the children I do....I look at them and say "I don't, I can't because God does it for me. Each child is a living and breathing testimony of God's grace and mercy in my life."

I am not the perfect parent and I will NEVER claim to be. In future blogs I will write of my struggles and shortcomings in parenting.....often. For I have never questioned myself more than I do now as a parent. But this is my calling, this is my ministry no matter how inadequate I feel in being given this job. It does not take a saint to be a parent of anykind...especially of a large family. It takes someone who is willing to give up and fall at the feet of Christ crying that they can't do it by themselves. Giving up my pride has been my hardest battle and my biggest weakness. God help me.