Trying Again to be a Blogger

It's been almost eight months months since I have posted anything to this blog. It intimidates me and I just have to get over it. I guess I just have so much to write about and I am an all or nothing chic. If I can't write it all now...what's the point. But maybe if I share little by little, I'll get it all out of the way and I can feel like I am starting to create a legacy with what I have to say.

I am pregnant again....our ninth, I can't believe it! There are many days I am not sure why the Good Lord has chosen to bless me like this. Does He know who he has chosen...sometimes I think He has it all wrong and that there must be some kind of mistake. But then I remind myself that He, my ultimate Comforter and Counselor, never makes mistakes.

A friend of mine, in her blog, termed it well with her beautiful way of writing:

Realization that if these children grow up to be anyone or anything even a little bit decent it will not be because of anything I have done. There are days when I fear I am messing things up so badly that I don't even begin to pretend to know what the Lord saw in me to give me these children to raise.....So....I pray. I pray for wisdom as we journey down this parenting road, that our children will not only survive but thrive despite our setbacks as parents. I cannot help but be reminded of the verse in Is. 54, "And all of your children shall be taught of the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children"

---Nikki B.


The pregnancy is going well and we have a strong heartbeat. I am currently 10 weeks and pukey.....temporary. The other children are beyond ecstatic about this baby. I think this is so cool as Steve has limited capacity to show excitement for my pregnancies at all. Don't get me wrong, he loves all our children. In fact, he even admitted he was excited to have another baby and has total peace about this new little life being woven in me. It's just that he just doesn't seem to get the whole miracle that pregnancy is....it's frustrating at times. I'll put his hand on my belly when a baby kicks so he can feel it and the boredom that seems to appear on his face is disheartening at best. To be more candid this makes me sad. This is a time in my life (my pregnancies) that I feel like a tool of God. I feel His hand of protection and strength on me most when I am pregnant. To think He even thought me worthy enough to be a part of the creation of His beloved children. Now, if I can muster up the courage and energy to do a decent job of raising them. Sometimes all I can do is lay at His feet and give up and let Him do it. Isn't that what we're supposed to do anyway? It's just takes me a little while longer to get to this place due to my willfulness and pride.

I have yet to tell my parents. There are not a whole lot of people in my family that see our additions as blessings. The way they react, or refuse to react, each time we tell them of a pregnancy, you would think I went out and had a baby with a different man each time and then went home to shoot crack. We have never asked anyone for financial help and we are very careful not to let our children be "burdens" in any way, shape or form to others. I am so proud of my family.....I just don't get it when others look down on my family as if we are second rate or just plain wrong in how we've chosen to go about building our family. The plain fact is that Steve and I have chosen unashamedly to trust our Lord and Savior for the spacing and size of our family. We go every week to hear sermons on how we need to lay everything at Christ's feet....why not our fertility? If he is the creator of Life.....how can new life be bad and need to be prevented? If the Lord says children are blessings, when we as a society see them as not blessings, do they stop being blessings in the Lord's eyes? I want to live this life with the Lord's priorities. If the Lord says children are a blessing, then they are blessings to Steve and I and we do not want to prevent them. He is the author and we want Him to write our book and provide the characters.

We've heard all the arguments:

What about your health? I am still strong and healthy. In fact I am healthier now than I was before having children. The reason is because I know I need to be healthy for my pregnancies and for the children I already have. So it is because of my children that I am healthy and remain so.
What about money to raise them and for college? Before Steve and I had children, we were horrible with our money...I mean really bad. After we had children, all of a sudden, we realized that we needed to make wiser decisions regarding our money so Steve trained for another line of work that was more profitable and started his own financial company and we started making wiser decisions with the money that was made. Again, like my health, it was because of our children that we have more money and make better decisions with it.
As for college...I think it is way overrated and a major player in the fleecing of America. The only way Steve and I will put forth a cent for any higher education is if a child comes to us with a passion and a vision for what they want to do. If it requires them to get a higher degree or certification, we will be there financially for them. But we will not put forth money just for them to go sow their oats. I went to a four year institution without any vision or passion only to learn how to lose my virginity (which I really did want to save until marriage), drink a lot, party and basically waste my parent's money and my time. It was fun, I will readily admit...but I could have learned and / or prevented all of this while making money at a job while at the same time, figuring out what I really wanted to do with my life. There is more than one way to get a great education other than spending 100's of thousands of dollars to walk away from an institution without vision and with a degree you most likely will never use. There are trade schools, apprenticeships, starting your own business and advancing in a job. One thing I will put money forth for is traveling to different countries for mission work. There is nothing like seeing that other souls don't have what you have and aren't as blessed.....and to be able to help them is good for the soul. It tatoos a different perspective on what the world is really like and how one can make a difference. We would put money forth for a child starting a business he / she really believed in and was well researched. To be frank, having money in hand for college, in order for it to be ok to have another child, is something I am not concerned about in the least. There are many other options that are feasible.....I know, my husband provides beautifully for our family and he never set foot inside a college institution.
What about providing all the children the attention they need?
Well, I don't know how to argue this one other than my eight children aren't complaining and they seem really well adjusted. They know we love them and whatever they lost in parental attention they have gained in sibling attention. Shortly after I had my fourth child, I truly wondered if I was hurting my other children by having more. I felt so guilty and overwhelmed. I couldn't read to them all the time or spend the amount of individual attention I once was able to. I called my pastor's wife who was raised with seven other siblings and asked her if she enjoyed growing up in a large family to which she replied that she had loved it. Then I asked her if her Mom or Dad was able to spend individual time with each of them by reading and playing games with them. She was silent and then increduously asked "Are you kidding me? We had no time for them because we were busy playing with each other!" And then I asked her how she knew her parents loved her if they did not individually show them. And her response freed me. She said she knew they loved her by the way they spoke to her, the tone they used and the expressions on their face of endearment and love. In short, attitude and a loving heart. This could all be done from an armchair if need be...while nursing and changing a baby, while cooking in the kitchen....oh, how this perspective freed me.
What about ME time?
Ummm.....am I only me when I am without children? The fact is, being of Mother of eight, and soon to be nine, IS ME. And I have found that the more ME time I get, (recreational time without children) the more selfish I get and the more ME time does not satisfy me and the more ME time I think I need. Yes, I do get down time, but surely it is not necessary in order for me to be all I can be. This is my calling, I have accepted it, I revel in it, I prayed for it and it challenges me at all levels. I am not the person I used to be when I did not have children, Thank the Good Lord for this. My children, my family have made me a better me.......more than any ME time could ever do.
What about your marriage and the stress a big family causes?
Ok, here goes explaining the weird economy of having a large family again. Our marriage is strong....but only because we have had to work together as a team to raise our children. Without our large family, this strength would not have evolved.
What about overpopulation?
Look. I know families that have two kids to which I would ask that question......only because their children are completely awful lost beings that are heading nowhere except to ruin their own and other people's lives. There definitely is an overpopulation of really evil people but there are never enough good, God-loving and servant hearted people. And God willing, that is what will come out of our family, people who are willing to minister to the lost and awful people I mentioned above. We are trying with the Lord's help to produce spiritual assets, not liabilities.
Since you're good parents, you should be the ones having children.
I love this one. Ok, so let's fly with this logic. Only good, well adjusted people should have children. If we were to make this statement law......I would have never been born. Hence, I would have never been the good parent to have these children. Who are we to judge who should and should not have children? There are countless people who have come from horrible circumstances only to minister to others because of their compassion and understanding of pain and hardship. And, on the other hand, there are many who have been born to "ideal" families only to bring heartache and chaos to the people around them. No matter the circumstance that brings a child to life (premarital sex, rape, incest, love) that life is still authored by God and still a blessing. I am not condoning sinful acts of hatred and violence, I am welcoming and believing in the goodness of life. Hate the act...not the child. God works all things to His good for those that love him.....and maybe out of all these perverted, evil and injurious acts.....God works his blessing into it to provide a child for healing and hope.

Well, there's my soapbox. I have never heard of anyone regretting having children or deciding to have more. But I can not tell you the amount of times I have heard people with their regrets of not having more. And I believe in living a life without regrets. I do not want to miss one blessing God has to offer. When people ask me how I do it having all the children I do....I look at them and say "I don't, I can't because God does it for me. Each child is a living and breathing testimony of God's grace and mercy in my life."

I am not the perfect parent and I will NEVER claim to be. In future blogs I will write of my struggles and shortcomings in parenting.....often. For I have never questioned myself more than I do now as a parent. But this is my calling, this is my ministry no matter how inadequate I feel in being given this job. It does not take a saint to be a parent of anykind...especially of a large family. It takes someone who is willing to give up and fall at the feet of Christ crying that they can't do it by themselves. Giving up my pride has been my hardest battle and my biggest weakness. God help me.